We look at each MLB club’s resolutions for 2017

Happy New Year everyone! Considering most of my social media feeds are filled with #NewYearNewMe posts, it is currently 17 degrees outside, and I drove past Progressive Field yesterday and stared longingly at it as I pretended it was already April, I figured it was the perfect time for New Year’s resolutions. Not for me, because they’re dumb, but for all 30 Major League Baseball teams instead.

(Confession: I thought I had a pretty creative idea to do this and then halfway through writing it I realized SI and Bleacher Report and a baker’s dozen of other sites already did various versions of this, so I guess I am not that original, but mine is funny…or funnier…I hope. Anyway, here goes.)

AL East

Baltimore Orioles
– We’re not going to save Zach Britton for a game or inning we don’t even get to play.

Boston Red Sox
– We promise to bring Big Papi back mid-season.

New York Yankees
– Is it too early to start the Bryce Harper recruitment tour?

Tampa Bay Rays
– Finish 29th in attendance. Small goals are easier to achieve than unrealistic ones.

Toronto Blue Jays
– Trying to focus on being more apologetic, sorry for letting EE (& probably Joey Bautista) go.

AL Central

The White Sox continue to trade everyone possible.

Chicago White Sox

Cleveland Indians
– Avoid any flying objects with sharp blades in October.

Detroit Tigers
– We want to try and beat the Indians more than once prior to the All-Star break.

Kansas City Royals
– Wear more powder blue throwback jerseys, we look good in those!

Minnesota Twins
– Does it even matter what our resolution is?

AL West

Houston Astros
– So you’re saying 1 playoff appearance every 10 years isn’t a good thing? Well, 1 more.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
– Time to work on a shorter name. Name changes make you a whole new person.

Oakland Athletics
– Convince Mark Trumbo to hang out with us.

Seattle Mariners
– Get Randy Johnson, Jay Buhner, and Ken Griffey Jr. to do a reunion wiffle ball game.

Texas Rangers
– Use our words, not our fists…even if that punk deserved it.

NL East

Atlanta Braves
– Getting a new stadium is like a fresh wardrobe, time to re-invent ourselves.

Miami Marlins
– Would it be tacky to get a second pool put in the stadium?

New York Mets
– Hey, we already brought Cespedes back, what else do we have to do?

Philadelphia Phillies
– Avoid talking about Carson Wentz while we lose 90+ games again.

Washington Nationals
– Is it too early to start the Bryce Harper pretty please pretty please pretty please stay tour?

NL Central

Chicago Cubs
– We’re still the lovable losers right? No. Okay, we will try to not make everyone hate us.

Cincinnati Reds
– At least 69 wins this year.

Milwaukee Brewers
– I know the word “brew” is in our name, but we promise to stop batting like we’re drunk.

Pittsburgh Pirates
– No Andrew, we swear we won’t break up with you…

St. Louis Cardinals
– Two words: Wild Card(s)! WOOOOO!

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks
– Try to not file any (more) lawsuits against the guys who own our lease…

Colorado Rockies
– Pretend to love Ian Desmond as much as we would’ve loved Mark Trumbo.

Los Angeles Dodgers
– We will be nice to Yasiel, pinky swear.

San Diego Padres
– Be the most beloved sports team (still) in San Diego!

San Francisco Giants
– I don’t know man, ask me again in September when it matters to us.

To read more of Daniel’s work, take a look at
https://danielbowerblog.wordpress.com/ and follow him on Twitter


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