We look at each MLB club’s resolutions for 2017
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Happy New Year everyone! Considering most of my social media feeds are filled with #NewYearNewMe posts, it is currently 17 degrees outside, and I drove past Progressive Field yesterday and stared longingly at it as I pretended it was already April, I figured it was the perfect time for New Year’s resolutions. Not for me, because they’re dumb, but for all 30 Major League Baseball teams instead.
(Confession: I thought I had a pretty creative idea to do this and then halfway through writing it I realized SI and Bleacher Report and a baker’s dozen of other sites already did various versions of this, so I guess I am not that original, but mine is funny…or funnier…I hope. Anyway, here goes.)
AL East
Baltimore Orioles
– We’re not going to save Zach Britton for a game or inning we don’t even get to play.
Boston Red Sox
– We promise to bring Big Papi back mid-season.
New York Yankees
– Is it too early to start the Bryce Harper recruitment tour?
Tampa Bay Rays
– Finish 29th in attendance. Small goals are easier to achieve than unrealistic ones.
Toronto Blue Jays
– Trying to focus on being more apologetic, sorry for letting EE (& probably Joey Bautista) go.
AL Central
The White Sox continue to trade everyone possible.
Chicago White Sox
– TRADE EVERYBODY!
Cleveland Indians
– Avoid any flying objects with sharp blades in October.
Detroit Tigers
– We want to try and beat the Indians more than once prior to the All-Star break.
Kansas City Royals
– Wear more powder blue throwback jerseys, we look good in those!
Minnesota Twins
– Does it even matter what our resolution is?
AL West
Houston Astros
– So you’re saying 1 playoff appearance every 10 years isn’t a good thing? Well, 1 more.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
– Time to work on a shorter name. Name changes make you a whole new person.
Oakland Athletics
– Convince Mark Trumbo to hang out with us.
Seattle Mariners
– Get Randy Johnson, Jay Buhner, and Ken Griffey Jr. to do a reunion wiffle ball game.
Texas Rangers
– Use our words, not our fists…even if that punk deserved it.
NL East
Atlanta Braves
– Getting a new stadium is like a fresh wardrobe, time to re-invent ourselves.
Miami Marlins
– Would it be tacky to get a second pool put in the stadium?
New York Mets
– Hey, we already brought Cespedes back, what else do we have to do?
Philadelphia Phillies
– Avoid talking about Carson Wentz while we lose 90+ games again.
Washington Nationals
– Is it too early to start the Bryce Harper pretty please pretty please pretty please stay tour?
NL Central
Chicago Cubs
– We’re still the lovable losers right? No. Okay, we will try to not make everyone hate us.
Cincinnati Reds
– At least 69 wins this year.
Milwaukee Brewers
– I know the word “brew” is in our name, but we promise to stop batting like we’re drunk.
Pittsburgh Pirates
– No Andrew, we swear we won’t break up with you…
St. Louis Cardinals
– Two words: Wild Card(s)! WOOOOO!
NL West
Arizona Diamondbacks
– Try to not file any (more) lawsuits against the guys who own our lease…
Colorado Rockies
– Pretend to love Ian Desmond as much as we would’ve loved Mark Trumbo.
Los Angeles Dodgers
– We will be nice to Yasiel, pinky swear.
San Diego Padres
– Be the most beloved sports team (still) in San Diego!
San Francisco Giants
– I don’t know man, ask me again in September when it matters to us.
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