NBA

The Larry Bird All-Star Game Draft

You know who doesn’t get enough attention these days? The white man!

But seriously… Great. Now that I have your attention, I welcome you to the inaugural LARRY BIRD ALL-STAR GAME! *confetti cannons pop! fireworks explode! the band starts playing!*

Larry Bird is highly considered one of the greatest three-point shooters of all time. But he actually isn’t. Like, he’s not even really close. He ranks 211th on the list of most 3-pointers made (649), with Luol Deng and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope creeping up right behind him. Bird also ranks 138th on the 3-point percentages list at .3758%; sitting snuggly between Swaggy P (like that’ll last) and Anthony Tolliver (like that career will last).

Larry Legend may not hold any of the three-point records (except when he lead the league in threes twice), but he certainly was a three-point pioneer. He came into the NBA in 1979, the same year the three-point line came to fruition. Bird most famously hit his strides between the 1985-1988 seasons, hitting 82, 90, and 98 threes respectively, all while three-peating in the first three ever 3-point shooting contests (TOO MANY THREES IN THAT PARAGRAPH!)

The “Hick from French Lick” paved the way for the lighter skinned basketball players to make a name for themselves. He brought the trash talking, the killer instincts, the 80s-porn-star-mustache all into a league that was finally starting to become the modern version of basketball. And for those reasons, we honor his name; his legacy.

The “Larry Bird All-Star Game” is a celebration of the greatest white three-point shooters of all time. The lesser-sung heroes of the game. Second team rotation guys. Players that can check in, shoot 4/7 from behind the arc, and sit and watch as the superstars do cool dunks and fancy passes. This category has the occasional starter, and hell, even the occasional MVP, but for the most part, we’re dealing with the guys your grandmother would call “handsome” and “non-threatening.”

First thing’s first, we need to figure out the teams. And thanks to commissioner Adam Silver, we get to have a playground style draft!

THE COACHES:

  • Larry Bird
    • The game is named after him and he’s still alive. He is a coach
    • Hall of Famer, 3x MVP, 12x All-star, 3x NBA champ, 2x Finals MVP, 1x ROY
    • Career 3-Point stats: Regular season: 649/1727 (.376%), Playoffs: 80/249 (.321%)
  • Chris Mullin
    • Ranked 152nd on the made 3’s list barely missing the cut to be an All-star
    • Hall of Famer, 5x All-star, 4x All-NBA, Box-top hairstyle hall of Famer
    • Career 3-Point stats: Regular season: 815/2120 (.384%) Playoffs: 67/164 (.409%)

DRAFT RULES:

  1. Larry has the first pick. It is alternating picks from there
  2. Players must be white (and not Sammy Sosa white)
  3. Players selected are from the top-150 made 3’s list and the top-50 percentage list
  4. Players are selected from the season they had the highest percentage of their career while also making over 100 threes
  5. Each coach selects 15 rostered players (they’re slow and white, they get tired easily) and two reserves
  6. No position limitations (They all shoot three’s, what do you expect?)

THE DRAFT POOL:

*Dirk’s best percentage – while making over 100 threes – was during the 2017-18 season (.409%), but he was also part corpse for that season, so I’m ruling that Dirk out. In 2005-06, Dirk shot .406% and they made the finals. We’ll use fully living Dirk over half dead Dirk.

**Jose Calderon’s best shooting season was in 2012-13, though it was split between two teams. Jose played 45 games in Toronto to begin the season and shot 43% while making 79 threes. He was traded to Detroit midseason where he went 52% and notched 51 made. His 2012-13 three-point totals were 46% on 130 made. To make things easier, we’re just going to use his 2013-14 season when he played the entire season for Dallas and shot 45% from three. Sue me.

***Luke Babbit has never made over 100 threes in his career but ranks 33rd all-time on the percentages list (sorry). The most three-pointers he made in one season was 87 in the 2016-17 season, so we’re using that Luke. In 2014-15 he shot 51% (59/155) in 63 games. If you would rather use that Luke then go for it. I don’t care. He most likely will be picked last.

THE DRAFT:

Round 1:

  • Team Bird: 2007-08 Steve Nash, 6’3″, PG, Phoenix Suns, 47% 3PCT, 179 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2014-15 Kyle Korver, 6’7″, SG, Atlanta Hawks, 49% 3PCT, 221 3P

Round 2:

  • Team Bird: 2015-16 J.J. Redick, 6’4″, SG, Los Angeles Clippers, 48% 3PCT, 200 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2017-18 Kevin Love, 6’10”, PF, Cleveland Cavaliers, 42% 3PCT, 137 3P

Round 3:

  • Team Bird: 1995-96 Steve Kerr, 6’3″, SG, Chicago Bulls, 52% 3PCT, 122 3P
  • Team Mullin: 1994-95 John Stockton, 6’1″ PG, Utah Jazz, 45% 3PCT, 102 3P

Round 4:

  • Team Bird: 2007-08 Peja Stojakovic, 6’9″, SF, New Orleans Hornets, 44% 3PCT, 231 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2005-06 Dirk Nowitzki, 7’0″, PF, Dallas Mavericks, 41% 3PCT, 110 3P

Round 5:

  • Team Bird: 2011-12 Steve Novak, 6’10” PF, New York Knicks, 47% 3PCT, 133 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2006-07 Jason Kapono, 6’8″, SF, Miami Heat, 51% 3PCT, 108 3P

Round 6:

  • Team Bird: 2013-14 Jose Calderon, 6’3″ PG, Dallas Mavericks, 45% 3PCT, 191 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2000-01 Brent Barry, 6’6″, SG, Seattle Supersonics (remember them!?), 48% 3PCT, 109 3P

Round 7:

  • Team Bird: 1995-96 Tim Legler, 6’4″, SG, Washington Bullets, 52% 3PCT, 128 3P
  • Team Mullin: 1991-92 Drazen Petrovic 6’5″, SG, New Jersey Nets, 44% 3PCT, 123 3P

Round 8:

  • Team Bird: 2010-11 Matt Bonner, 6’10”, PF, San Antonio Spurs, 46% 3PCT, 105 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2013-14 Mike Miller, 6’8″, SF, Memphis Grizzlies, 46% 3PCT, 107 3P

Round 9:

  • Team Bird: 1995-96 Jeff Hornacek 6’3″, SG, Utah Jazz, 47% 3PCT, 104 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2001-02 Pat Garrity, 6’9″ PF, Orlando Magic, 43% 3PCT, 169 3P

Round 10:

  • Team Bird: 2012-13 Mike Dunleavy Jr., 6’9″, SF, Milwaukee Bucks, 43% 3PCT, 128 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2001-02 Eric Piatkowski, 6’7″, SG, Los Angeles Clippers, 47% 3PCT, 111 3P

Round 11:

  • Team Bird: 1992-93 Mark Price, 6’0″, PG, Cleveland Cavaliers, 42% 3PCT, 122 3P
  • Team Mullin: 1987-88 Danny Ainge, 6’4″ SG, Boston Celtics, 42% 3PCT 148 3P

Round 12:

  • Team Bird: 2016-17 Joe Ingles, 6’8″, SF, Utah Jazz, 44% 3PCT, 123 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2003-04 Hedo Turkoglu, 6’10” PF, San Antonio Spurs, 42% 3PCT, 101 3P

Round 13:

  • Team Bird: 2008-09 Steve Blake, 6’3″ SG, Portland Trailblazers, 43% 3PCT, 140 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2016-17 Ryan Anderson, 6’10” PF, Houston Rockets, 40% 3PCT, 204 3P

Round 14:

  • Team Bird: 2007-08 Manu Ginobili, 6’6″ SG, San Antonio Spurs, 40% 3PCT, 156 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2006-07 Kirk Hinrich, 6’4″ PG, Chicago Bulls, 42% 3PCT, 140 3P

Round 15:

  • Team Bird: 2005-06 Jason Williams, 6’1″ PG, Miami Heat, 37% 3PCT, 103 3P****
  • Team Mullin: 1993-94 Dan Majerle, 6’6″, SG, Phoenix Suns, 38% 3PCT, 192 3P

Reserves:

  • Team Bird: 2016-17 Danilo Gallinari, 6’10”, SF, Denver Nuggets, 39% 3PCT, 126 3P
  • Team Mullin: 2015-16 Doug McDermott, 6’8″, SF, Chicago Bulls, 43% 3PCT, 110 3P
  • Team Bird: 2005-06 Wally Szczerbiak, 6’7″, SF, Minnesota Timberwolves, Boston Celtics, 40% 3PCT, 102 3P, (At MIN: 41%, 58 made; at BOS: 39%, 44 made)*****
  • Team Mullin: 2004-05 Vladamir Radmonovic, 6’10”, Seattle Supersonics, 39% 3PCT 128 3P******

Undrafted:

  • LUKE BABBIT. HAHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DRAFT SOMEONE WHO CAN’T EVEN MAKE 100 THREES IN A SEASON GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!

****There is better options percentage wise than White Chocolate, but I like Larry Bird, and I really hope he lives forever. He had to draft J-Will last just so he wouldn’t be murdered. You understand. Plus its J-Will. What’s a white guy all-star game without him??

*****Wally doesn’t get the Calderon treatment (Only one Spaniard allowed). But he does have GREAT hair.

******Vlad gets the Calderon treatment (One Spaniard AND one Bosnian allowed). He shot 40% in the 2008-09 season but had to play with Kobe for half of it, so I felt bad.

TEAM BIRD

Starters: ’07-’08 Steve Nash, ’95-’96 Steve Kerr, ’15-’16 J.J. Redick, ’07-’08 Peja Stojakovic, ’11-’12 Steve Novak (2017-18 Daryl Morey loves this lineup)

Bench: ’13-’14 Jose Calderon, ’95-’96 Tim Legler, ’10-’11 Matt Bonner, ’95-’96 Jeff Hornacek,  ’12-’13 Mike Dunleavy Jr., ’92-’93 Mark Price, ’16-’17 Joe Ingles, ’08-’09 Steve Blake, ’07-’08 Manu Ginobili, ’05-’06 Jason Williams

Reserves: ’16-’17 Danilo Gallinari, ’05-’06 Wally Szczerbiak

TEAM MULLIN

Starters: ’94-’95 John Stockton, ’14-’15 Kyle Korver, ’06-’07 Jason Kapono, ’17-’18 Kevin Love, ’05-’06 Dirk Nowitzki (2017-18 Jason Gilbert loves this lineup)

Bench: ’00-’01 Brent Barry, ’91-’92 Drazen Petrovic, ’13-’14 Mike Miller, ’01-’02 Pat Garrity, ’01-’02 Eric Piatkowski, ’87-’88 Danny Ainge, ’03-’04 Hedo Turkoglu, ’16-’17 Ryan Anderson, ’06-’07 Kirk Hinrich, ’93-’94 Dan Majerle

Reserves: ’15-’16 Doug McDermott, ’04-’05 Vladamir Radmanovic

Color Commentators (pause for irony):

  • Bill Walton
  • Kevin McHale
  • Marv Albert

Additional Rules:

  • Made baskets shot from the inside the half court circle are worth four-point
  • Made baskets shot from your opponent’s free-throw line are worth eight-points
  • Made baskets shot from inside your opponent’s three-point arc are worth six-points
  • Made baskets shot from underneath your opponent’s basket are worth 12-points
  • When Jason Williams has the ball, Dan Majerle must guard him. It’ll be hilarious

Fun Relevant Facts:

– The most three-point shots in an All-star game ever made and attempted by a team happened in 2016 when the Western All-stars went 31/80 (Westbrook and Harden had 7. Curry had 6.) (39%). The most three-point shots in an All-star game ever made and attempted by both teams also happened in 2016 when they combined to shoot 51/139 (37%) (PAUL GEORGE MADE 9 WHAAAAT!).

– Steve is the most popular name for a white three-point specialist in NBA history. There are four Steves in the top-102 in 3Pt PCT (all on Team Bird). Jason and Mike are tied for second with two apiece.

Pre-Game Hype:

There we have it, folks! It’s game time! The LBASG 2018(©®™) is finally here. Get ready for the slowest, brightest, non-action-packed All-star game of all time. It’s going to be a literal shootout. The o/u for points in the paint is going to be set at 15, and trust me, you’re going to want to take the under. Who will reign supreme? Will anyone slam dunk? Will anyone make a 12-pointer!? Tune in next week for the whitest All-Star game of all time!

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